Is this a good heart break for a book?

I think the idea of it is decent as is heartbreaking, but it's executed rather poorly - sorry. The grammar is messed up in several different ways and that's whats subtracting from the story. An interesting technique an english teacher once told me is to 'show' and not 'tell'. But, I'm not here to judge your work since that's not what you asked for. I think it's a good idea, but could be much better.